zaichikarky

My mood explains it all. I wish I had friends here, sometimes I get quite lonely. I couldn't find Ksenia, and as usual Alex-tachi decided, of course, not to invite me to whatever they were doing. I kinda had fun wandering out by myself, damn is halloween a huge effing deal here. But I was alays wishing I had someone with me. I miss Jeferrry. Right now, I'm not counting on TG to be on for at least a few days, Titus is probably doing whatever with his friends, and only Koop can keep me company now... or should I say for the next five minutes before he so characteristically disappears. I feel like crying, but I won't. Instead I'll wait until tomorrow and hope more people show up.

Confidence? What inspires it? Forever, I must gloat that I have been a very confident person. The only exceptions are in my manic depression times. Basically that was all of last school year's semester, a few months 11th grade, and a few months 10th grade. One of the most AWFUL things depression does to me is just shatter my confidence. Suddenly I turn into one of those feeble-minded girls who wants nothing to do but curl up in the corner and do absolutely nothing. Perhaps cry, but you know.... people like me just don't know how to cry, maybe it's from years of training... of desensitizing our very nature, but it's no longer natural for me, it's not something I *do* for real. The very last time I believe it really happened was when my mother and I had a massive fight around 2 years ago and she was shipping me off to SAT prep class. Then I broke down in front of the two guys, my classmates, and the teacher. Obviously they wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me. After then, I made a silent oath to myself- never to cry, or at least to die trying before ANYONE would ever see me cry again. Then comes along TG and kind of wrecks those plans. He didn't mean it, and he meant the very best.... but I feel a little cheated in a way, still no one has ever seen me in tears, yet both him and Titus incited silent tears a few times down the road. Still I think what TG unintentionally did was better for me in the long run, I care about him deeply, even though quite a bit I don't feel he returns my feelings....

I kinda got off track... anyway, not crying gives me confidence.... so what else does? Ever since I was in elementary school, I was not a happy child. No one wanted to be my friend because I was different than the other kids- I did stuff on my own, I didn't want to listen to anyone. Hence why throughout those years I was punished for misbehaving FREQUENTLY. But from an early age I learned how to stick up for myself and not to let anyone tell me what to do... well, unless they were an adult. But I had few friends... they changed yearly until really I moved to california and became friends with Kaffi. This was the foundation for my confidence... even though I didn't know it at the time, it only grew as I became older.

Ksenia comes to me because she wants to learn why I act the way I do. She asks me questions all the time.. "Why are you so confident? Can you teach me? How can I be like you? My mother is so confident too, and she is well-liked, I want to be well liked too. Why don't you hang out with people you don't like when you said you judge no one? Do you ever feel lonely?" Is some of the stuff I get daily from her. Her roomate is really... shallow. She already went to spend the night with some guys in Cal Poly 0_o. And really other than me and her, Ksenia doesn't have anyone to talk to. She feels lonely, which I tell her is natural, we all feel a little lonely, but she thinks I'm fine just because I do things on my own just about all the time, unless I can find Alex to come with me XD. She is one of those girls who wants to do more and not be dependant on other people, but needs to work on it.

Sorry, rambling's over. Time to go to my onsite orientation. The hours are LONG today - 12-10 ... Hm, I hope I will like it and things will go well *stretchie* Later, folks.

Seriously, just listen to this. I had a loooong but accomplishing day already.

Woke up at 8 am to write something rather, but not really private about something in here... Then slept for a whole hour later after my GRANDMOTHER decides to call me -__-. God, wake up later, old woman -_-. Anyway, decided it was then time to head off to do my interview. Go there and find out it's a non profit commision-based business based on SOLICITING at peoples doors 0_o. I fear that most people don't like soliciters -_-, of ANY sort. However, I'm always willing to listen to non-profit organization ones.... And this happens to be one of those jobs. They said they'll get back to me... I hope they liked me. I wonder if writing on the back of my application that i was a long-standing Socialist worked in my favor or not? XD. I know that this organization worked for Green Peace in the past...

Anyway, I try to walk back a DIFFERENT way, and suddenly find myself lost, on a road like up Gurniville up by SR. SO what do i do but stick my thumb out and ask for directions... FINALLY come across some older guy in a truck. I ask him for directions and he tells me where i need to go. Then....

Me: Sorry, I guess I just kinda got lost. I won't ask for a ride since it's the other direction...
Guy: Well, ok. Do you want to make some money?
Me: Uh... how?
Guy: Well, how about a blowjob or something?
Me: Well, heh, I'm flattered, but no thank you
Guy; Are you sure?
Me: Yeah... No thank you
Guy: well ok.
Me: Sorry for bothering you, thanks for the directions!
Guy: No problem.
Me: Bye.
Guy: *drives off*

Now that I think about it, WTF was I thinking? I should have fucking done it. let me give you the reasons.

1. I'm almost sure he wouldn't have raped me
2. If he'd have tried ANYTHING, he'd have to kill me before he get his dick anywhere NEAR my cunt.
3. I was hungry... fuck, I think cum woulda filled me up reeeeal fast *g*
4. I was fucking horny ;_;. I've been keeping my masturbation down a bit as of late because of my roomie... and just *thinking* about his dick in my mouth was turning me on 0_o


Well, I left and made it downtown, stopped by the ATM and some japanese Udon Lunch... *makes mental list* Yet another place I need to take Teegee and Koop... Anyway, they liked my japanese and made me special Udon I asked for XD. I also stopped by a basic networking(hah, thankyou Teegee for teaching me what "networking" is) store to compare wireless ethernet cards... and then got a library card. Checked out a new Ben Bova book. Now it's time to rest and reeeeeed...

One more thing TG, I blocked you.... I'll come back later, and this time, i'm not changing my mind this time. If I know you well enough, tonight you and Emily will be at it and I do not intend to stick around and make things worse. Also, I can't even handle you myself right now. I still love you -_-.

Since I FINALLY have a spiffy planner this year, I intend to use it. So I'm already marking down birthdays so I won't forget. One of my least favorite things to do is forget birthdays O_O. I already have some marked, but need more : ). So if you consider me a buddy, give me your birthdate and I promise MASS CELEBRATIONS AND SHIT will arise ^__^.

Other news: TG and I were talking about perhaps him visiting me early next month 0_o. I hope so, but won't get my hopes too high up because I know he's bissy and worried about the propect of meeting me. I still want him to stay with me though ;_;. dammit, I WANT to meet an internet friend! Somehow or another 0_o.

Lots to say, but I don't wanna get into it in detail. Let's make another list...

1. Crid myself to sleep last night... got sick of holding it in. I thought about TG and how he musta felt when he was being evicted -_-. Then I realized my "problems" were no where near as scared as he might have felt ;_;. I felt better after, though

2. had like 4-5 hours sleeep -_-

3. was a boring drive...

4. Met Alex and Talia. We are already plannign stuff

5. My roomie is REALLY nice. maybe we'll become friends? XD

6. got EVERYTHING fit and plugged....

7. got net and comp....

8. said byeee to mommy and daddy and sent them away. I'm alone now, but ok...

9. time for bed in like... SOON. I'm so tired -_-

Yeah, this probably should be private. And this time, unlike other times, I will edit and add to what I had written in my notebook the night before.

I always like these kinds of journal entries. This will be personal, this will be sappy. It will be very close to last time, when once again, I was writing this all down in *gasp* paper in the middle of the night. But so many thoughts are running though my head right now, I kind of *have* to write them down right now, in some pages of a random notebook I found laying around. This happens to be my AP English Notebook from the last semester, heh. Last time it was my JC history notebook. Okay, enough of this long-arsed intro, time to get into it...

Okay. When I think of my "online life" right now, in truth it all boils down to two guys whom I consider to be my very close friends, and more ! Titus and TG. Since TG already got one of these 0_o, I think it's fair Titus gets on now too. Titus, I would say, he was "destined" to be my friend. I'm serious. He probably doesn't think of our friendship in this way, but I do for several reasons. The first and most important reason goes way back when I was 14-16 years old, mind you, I only met him when I was 17. I *actually* remembered Titus from the original TRHQ, and not being this super posty person I am now, I remember so few people from it. I can't say what it was that Titus posted , what on earth he said, but it was *something* , something that from way back then, I told myself " I want to make friends with him." It was not until I was 17 that I finally did. I'm still 17 btw... heh. omg less than a month now, WOO. *ahem*. What happened next , well, I met him in chat. I went into TRHQ chat back when it was first showing the first rays of dying. It is almost exactly the same right now, in terms of the people who are in it when I go in. I went into because.... I got my few moments of glory with these interviews of people I made. I first made friends with Tako and she brought me into chat. But I discovered that the only place I fit into was the late-night chat where only a few select people were in. There, I guess is the real birth of my next internet life. It still is going on right now... I don't know how long it will last, but I must say it already had evolved. Mind you, I have *always* been Majestic Arcanine... I don't like Pokemon anymore, but even I don't know whether this will ever change. But you see, my *life* as Majestic Arcanine has changed so much. From the time I was at TR Palace and all....

Anyway... I really do remember the first thing I told Titus. Because I was actually being serious.... I said something like "Wow, I really remember you from the old TRHQ, I barely remember anyone from back then, but I remember you." He replied with something like "I feel ... remembered?" I don't know if he thought I was just ebing weird or something, but this is when we first became friends, slowly we began IMing each other outside of chat. I remember I met Titus around the time Yamato ( The guy who destroyed my house XD) and I had that big fiasco, and I remember Titus being the only one interested in that. I had my own crisis after a ferw weeks, but this was the "TG moment", when the two of us first realized how much we meant to each other and all, but Titus was still there, having little to say other thatn " I hope you feel better and do what you need to." After I had decided already I was becoming too attached to chat and other things....

SO almost one year fown the road... Titus is the only person other than TG that I simply *have* to talk to every single time he's on. If we don't talk, I think something is wrong. About half a year ago, we both felt really talkative or something , and he got me to stay up until 8 am- my record thus far. This was the first time he had actually said anything personal to me, and I still have the conversation safely hidden in my computer. Titus is the only online friend who's made me cry, that is until about a week or so ago when TG joined his ranks, heh. But this is kind of strange concidering that I can't ever remember a time Titus has ever upset me or really anger me personally. He *might* have known about the first time... I don't know. But it was towards the end of the school year... I think I was PMSing , but that's the kind of besides the point. I wrote this last speech for speech class and posted it here, hoping to get some comments, although I was afraid of presenting it to the class. Titus was first to comment, and he said something like it's a great speech and I should present it to the class. Suddenly I find myself crying 0__o. Well, anyway, I would not find myself doing that now, if the same thing would happen because of my healthy mental state, but still, at the time, it was kinda strange, heh... The second time... *sigh*. That one was even weirder. No one knows about this. Generally, it was because I missed him, plain as that. It was one of the times he disappeared weeks on end because of his phone bill problems. It got to me because one night TG and Koop had both been hounding me for sexual favors -___-. I'd never even give any to Koop , no matter how hard he tries, besides those photos, heh.

Which leads me to my next thought.... I know Titus and I don't have the same kind of relationship that I have with TG, or even Koop. I don't send him nekkid photos, I don't even give him any kind of "cyber affection". In truth, this is more the real me than how I am with Koop and Teeg. See, the only reason I became so "affectionate" with them was because they started it with me. They slowly became affectionate to me, TG slower than anyone XD, and I just had to respond because one, I thought it was sweet, and two, I wanted to do it for them because it shows I care about them. Whatever friendship I have is Titus is differnt, it is special, I value it. Another reason I'm writing this is because I can't really tell it to him personally. It's just not a thing we discuss... I guess a part of me is afraid he will just say something like "This conversation is UNMANLY, please REFRAIN from speaking further". He probably wouldn't do that, but I'm still uncomfortable. I tell TG how much I care about him on a daily basis and he does the same to me, giving me all sorts of cyber affection at the same time. I don't have that with Titus, and I am alright about it, it's just fine.

Still, I tell Titus just about everything. Things that I don't tell TG even... He always seems to be the sole receptor of when I have problems with TG... Sometimes he doesn't know what to tell me, but he's always there, and that's what really matters. Even though he doesn't approve of the the way things are between me and TG, he only tries to protect me. He only wante me to be happy and unhurt with whatever I do. This makes me a bit sad he doesn't have a girlfriend of his own XD. I don't know if he's lusting for one or anything, but I think he will be a very good bf and support this unknown girl greatly.

He is pretty strong, yesh... The girly hair means NOTHING XD. I make fun of him for his overuse of the word "MANLY" , but I only really do it because I think it's so cool XD. But yeah... I think it takes a certain kind of "manly" person to deal with some of what he deals with so calmly. I think the last few days have been pretty near-hell for him, but he handles it... I don't know if I could do that. I can only hope I have strength only close to his...

I should be wrapping this up pretty soon, I don't know who will read all of this besides me, but I felt the need to write it at ... not evern want, but need... at 4 am, heh. I let friends go sometimes, I thought about Nyar today, who was once a close friend of mine I don't really even talk to anymore. I probably could see myself letting go of Titus sometime down the road. But right now, I'm just grateful I have him as a friend. He is more than a good friend... but I don't think I've ever even had a romantic inclination to him. It's hard to explain. Titus is somewhere is the middle of a great friend and an older brother I can look up to for support... I don't know if I can keep him like this forever, or if I will have to let go, but I know one thing: I'm glad he is my friend right now.

What is up with all these Hispanic men and their affinity towards me? It's awful. And I thought the El Salvarodian guy was bad. At work , there are these two very old Mexican men who have the hots for me, Guillermo and Octavio 0_o. Today Guillermo asked me for my number. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he was just TOO OLD for me, so I gave him a fake number ~_~. Oh well, I won't have to deal with him, at least until next year if I decide to work at the fair again. I swear, I do nothing to lead them on or anything. They are just madly in love with me for no reason 0_o.

Instead, I flirt with Julio XDD, the EL SALVADORIAN GUY XDD. I call him my Papacito and stuff XDD. Today I asked him "What's the matter, you don't want me as your mamacita?" XD. He's SO giggly XD. It's rather cute, I mean when you run into giggly guys XD. He's so funny to me XD. I'll miss him. Larry too, I didn't get to say good bye to Larry ~_~. Apparantly, a few days ago he found a better job that was paying him twice as much . He was cool ;_;. Jose is pretty cool too XD.

Hehe. There is another thing I forgot to mention. At the fair, there is this really cool -looking transvestite. I bought a drink from his stand once and I swore he was a girl, until he spoke 0_o. He wears a whole LOT of makeup and his hair looks really, really cool XDD. I've been trying to take guys from work to see him. *snickers*. Jason agreed to come with me when I told him "Hey, I know this REALLY hot mamacita you can meet". Haha, BTW, I'm calling TG a Mamacita right now LOL. Jason was totally into it, he even brought his pen along so he could ask for "her" number. It was hilarious seeing his expression after he found out the transvestite was the "mamacita". I took Garret along the next day XD. Jose and Jullio REFUSED to go XDD. Instead, they kept telling me each other wanted to date the transvestite. I will miss them the most *cri*. Oh well, I'm glad this thing is ending.

Yeah, the Band performance went well today BTW.

Was pretty good ^_^. Adrienne and I went exploring. It took a long time for me to pry the car away from my parents, but when we did we went to the Russian River ^_^. On the way, I listened to my favorite Junkie, Michael Savage. He's such an amusing guy, I swear... THE TOP TEN EVILS OF THE CLINTON ADMINISTRATION.

Anyway... so we finally found a spot to pull over and it was a "miniature Holland" XD. We went down by the lake and I saw a trashed table, so I threw it in the water. Later I went exploring and found an equally beat up chair and threw that in as well so now there is a dining set underwater. I hope the fishies and what not have fun with that ^_^. We explored down there a lot. It was quite manly trekking and I even dangled from a cliff! Adrienne saved me though ^__^. YAY. I was quite sweaty and dirty when I came back. I fell numerous times XD. NEXT TIME IT WILL BE EVEN MORE GRAND. Hehe, and there's the plan about stealing away Jeferry and doing a road trip to Oregon XD.

We came back and she stayed at my house for a while, harassing internet friends XD, namely Koop. Hehe, with him, I think it would be more like "blablabla NINTENDO blablabla". I think it's better than "blablabla BIG WORD blablabla" , though XD in her POV XDD.

And then something quite revolutionary happened. I was watching the fourth .hack ep when Krimm came in and was like "Gee, he sounds an awful lot like Miki Shinichirou". Then TG told me it was true and I got so excited that I spammed him XD. I'd spam more now ! Krimm is now my new obession. Every character that Miki Shinichirou automatically becomes my favorite in the series : ). IT IS CALLED THE "RIGHT OF THE SHINICHIROU". Yesh, this is great ^____^.

OH gawd, I yesterday I watched the worst dub EVER with Adreinne ^__^. It was purposely made that way but still, it was great XD. Kung Pow is the epitamy of stupidity.

And my favorite part just HAD to be something that can't be captured well in this jounral. One of the guys was asked a question. *you see is lips flapping for about 1 minute* "I don't know" LOL!

HA HA HA ! Okay, i enjoy stupid crap like that FAR too much XD. Then we plaed "sorry" and I got my arse kicked... BUT BARELY, JUST BARELY!

Yesterday I felt so much better ^__^. Today, Valentines day I gave out my Lord of the RIngs : Two Towers cards out. EVERYONE wanted the Legolas cards 0__o. Even the guys. And they didn't realize it had the STUPIDEST words on it "I hope your valentine's day is on target!" XD;. yah. And tomorrow, I HOPE I will feel good.

I seem to be getting out of this, slowly... I feel really pissed off though because last weekend I broke down out of frustration. I stayed up 'till 4 talking to teegee... and then my mom woke me up at 8 AND I was sick. And what sucks is, I didn't try to prevent it. I could have -_-. April would have been my 1 year mark of not crying. Now it starts all over again. E*&#*#%#*%#)*&. I hate it when I fall short of a goal when it's SO close...