It went pretty good... Hugged LOADS of people... teachers more than others ^_^*. I think I'll miss them the most. But I didn't get teary... Afterwards, I took Adrienne to Kanoe's party. We stayed for a while, and then got a bit bored and went on a joyride *g*, down my favorite vineyard road about 70 mph at its max. WHEE BUMPS! Anyway, I have pictures HERE! .

Today, while the rest of the seniors were doing the traditional Senior Awards for the Band, I was playing graduation music. Every single year we practice the Can Can, among other songs, for the Senior Graduation Ceremony. I look forward to playing the Can Can the most. Sadly, I won't be able to play it this year. Well, the last band practice ended with the Can Can. *wonderfullness*. My last concert ended with "The Great Gate of Kiev", one of the most boring songs we've ever played. At the end of practice, Mr Simpson asked if we wanted to play anything else and I exclaimed "CAN CAN AGAIN! CAN CAN AGAIN!" At first he replied with "You're a senior, I don't care what you think!" But I was persistent, and I got what I want. We took it up tempo to make it even funner and finished it in 37 seconds XD. Yeah, of all the high school expericences, I will miss my band the most ;_;. Lots and lots... even the TRUMPETS *gasp*.

What else: Today, for my Personal anthology presentation, I played all of "Mr Roboto" for the class. They enjoyed THAT, but not my annoying reflection, I think they were pretty bored ^_^*. Also, Ozvaldo gave a speech for me which included my butterfly quote at the end. It was pretty well-written. He was all "I'D BETTER SEE YOU TEARY-EYED". Gawd, he always cries during speeches , hehe. Jeremy wrote me a very nice entry in my year book and gave me those Velvet Teen CDs that he was supposed to give me months ago, so I wrote him a five-page letter with hello kitty stationary today. I've found some of Nyars old CDs, including the Evangelion movies I'm watching now. ^_^.

On the negative side: I think my easily-bruised body is becoming worse. MORE bruises. I don't like it ;_;. My hair also keeps falling out -_-. I don't know if it's summer shedding or what, but it's becoming scary. I'm also tired all the time, worse than usual and I've been getting enough sleep... ;_;. I don't want to say what I think I have the symptoms of.

I'm graduating in 3 days ;___;.

I'm feeling better because I guess, I don't have any ore exams to complete and we aren't going to do much of anything else in english class. I'm still paranoid ofver college... but it won't start until the 20th of September( which also means I get to stay home for my birthday!) and I have time to prepare myself a bit for that ~_~. This no-job this is starting to irritate me a bit. I want one ;_;. A non-fast-food one would be nice. Other than that, not much has happened.

Scoggy told me to kiss Duane today and it was the first time I was DRAGGED to see him. Hehe, who knows, I might actually do it some day ^_-. He ran away , of course. Rarg.

I voice chatted with Chelz and Titus for the first time yesterday. Chelz directed me to a real cool program! While talking to Titus, we came up with this INGENIOUS creation



IT SHALL NOW BELONG IN MY SIG.

I think that is all for today.

My "educational" just seems to give me all sorts of anxiety. I'm mortified about going off to college. I think I made that clear to myself yesterday... The thing I would gain from it just cannot surpass what I'd be losing. I'd have to look at the long term events, and I'm just a short-term person -_-.

I would be losing my friends, I just know it. And my comfort... I don't know HOW I could possibly live with someone being a spoiled only-child who's had her own room/master bathroom all her life. I'd lose star trek. And probably nintendo, band... all I'd be doing is studying because I could NOT make friends. I'm horribly afraid I won't find any of "my people" in college because "my people" are the kinds who don't GO to college straight after High School. And, I think my high school education was a big joke in many ways. It's gotten progressively tougher each new class. My class is the last one not to take High School Exit exams XD.

Because my father is threatening to delete everything off the computer, I can't type now.Right.

I

HATE

MY

LIFE

I've debated doing this for a long time. Chances are that if I leave this unprivate someone will mention it and I'll just private it after everyone inclusing the few stalkers have seen this.

This is the 2 week anniversary of the 2003 depression spectaculaire. The first session lasted for all of February and ended as I got sick and thought nothing about school. Session number 2 started two TUESDAYS ago when my horomones were on and I listened to someone talk about something or other morbid/depressing. I only fall into this when that happens. Someone is sad/depressed while I am and I get to hear about it. I've always thought of myself as a strong person, but I guess my psyche can't withstand this. It's worse than ever this time. I hate it.

I hate the way that my brain cannot function at all. I've turned completely stupid. It takes me 3 times as long to do anything and everything I used to know, I've forgotton. That's what I hate most of all, how stupid I am. Right now I'm even thinking of something to write. This shouldn't be so hard, I hate about 380964235097 different things about my life, I just can't arrange any of this in a comprehensible order. I know that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I know I'm pretty quick and smart, normally. Now, it seems as though this is my normal state and I have to get used to it.Maybe I've never been smart in the first place, and I only realize that now. Everyone in that damned AP Engrish class is myuch smarter than me. I hate that class. I hate how everything I do for it, all the impossible homework I stress over becomes meaningless as I findout that it doesn't matter or the teacher doesn't collect it. What I *don't* do counts, which is why I'm paranoid I'm failing that class.

For all of this spring semester, my life has involved me stressing over homework. That's it. That's all I've been doing for the past 2 weeks. It's gotten bad. Because I can barely get anything done. I don't do anything I want, nothing I care about. I can't concentrate enough to read, I don't play videogames, I don't chat on IM often at all, I don't write because I've lost the ability again, I don't watch any TV/movies. All it's been is homework. I think it comes from the past. When my parents throw fits if I ever got a grade of a C. It happened the first time in that AP engrish class. Maybe because of that I'm like this. The same thing happened during my lovely SAT sessions last year. My parents paid big fucking bling bling for me to take the damn SAT prep class which just fucked me up. I could blame them. It's more me though. And my problem with worrying. I worry about everything there is to worry about.

I'm so tired. I've been going to bed at 11 but still am so tired. It's not 11 now, it's 11:30. And I have homework to do that is not even important and that could probably be done tomorrow in band if my band director bothers to show up. I'm tired. Very tired. More tired than usual. Before this year, I'd never even think of going on the internet this late. I don't really do anything on the internet except talk to 3 internet friends and a few RL friends. I can't keep friends for very long. I always let them drift away from me somehow. I feel closer to these internet friends, but in the end, most likely in less than a year, they will all drift apart from me as well. And when I go off to college, my links to my RL friends will be too. I guess then I'll lose the RL friends first because I can have internet in college.

Oh, this is actually starting to come together really well. I don't want to go to college. I want to hang around home and the JC for a few years and find out what I want to do, slowly working my way to independence. However, my mom basically yelled/lectured at me that she'd have to get her arms cut off before I would go to the JC. Instead I'll be sprung into an unfamiliar situation, not wanting to leave the comforts of my house and being WAY , WAY too immature to function on my own. I've never worked and don't even have a license.

I don't know how to deal with stress at all, it seems. Having the minutest stress sends me spirling into this.

I'm getting too fucking tired and now don't remember what I have to say anymore. This will never end. Every little bad thing that happens to me seems like it's the end of the world. I think I must have gone underneath too many ladders because I have the worst luck. I lose everything. All I'll be thinking about is the homework that I haven't done and I'll just feel worse. The homework I haven't done and the badminton practice I haven't attended in like 3 weeks because of it and the Japanese class I'm the stupidest pupil in. I think that I don't bother to try in a class when I don't feel smart enough.

I feel guilty over everything. Everyone I've bashed before. Everything I remember that people probably forgot by now, I feel guilty over. From Intarnet friends, to stupid people I've bashed, to anyone I've bashed.

Damn tomorrow morning I'll feel like I could break down again. But I won't because it never comes out completely. It's always "almost crying" never *full* tears.

There is no reason for me to feel this bad. None at all. My parents are fucking rich and could buy me anything I want and send me to college without me having to work for it. It's so easy to putmyself in this hole. Hard as hell to get out.

It'd be nice to die now. Not that I'm yet suicidal, but I want to die by some freak accident.

I wish I wasn't so obsessed over Intarnet people. I think I'm going to misspell internet forever now.


This is becoming pointless. I feel worse, not better from this. I think that the soonest it will go away is spring break. Somewhere around the 20th of April. It's only the first. I have a long way.


I don't know what's good for myself. Nothing I do helps this, only makes it worse.

I can't talk very well at all. I don't know how to describe how I contribute to conversations anymore because it takes too much effort.

Fuck I'm about to have a fit over how I'll feel in the morning. I'm getting so sick of that feeling. Only during the one week depression break did I not feel like that. I have to go to school and feel worse and worse as the day goes on but no one knows .

My parents wouldn't even know until it got this bad again. My father doesn't even want to deal with it anymore and told me I was driving him mad and to stop it.Now I barely talk to my mother. These times are the only times I actually want affection. Great NOW I'm almost ready to have the bult up tears fall. When I want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay and they love me. I think that truly only internet people would want to do that for me right now. For a while, I sought affection from my parents, I've stopped now.

I thought this would end through PMS. But another Tuesday came. I hate Tuesdays.

I realized this stopped being coherent a long time ago.

There is no reason for me to feel like this, none at all. I wish I knew where the hell Shivs has been for the past... long time and I wish TG was on now. I will dread tomorrow morning.

I think this should end by spring break. that's about 20 days. Then I get to see how long I can go undepressed for.

It gets worse every year. Starting from 10th grade. Worse and worse. Damn.

I should have gone to bed hours ago. I don't know what's good for me. I'm repeating myself. It's time to slep for about 4 hours and... yeah. And all you stalkers, @*(@^@)(+&$#(&%$&$#). And I mean that in the most respectable way of course.

This one was the BIGGEST. I liked 8th grade, a lot. Sure I got made fun of, but that was the case for all of my school years XD;.

Hmm... Somewhere in there, I made friends with Jeneher, and went over to her house a lot. I liked it there. Her siblings and I got along half the time, half the time we fought XD. Elizabeth wasn't as nasty back then, but peter was nastier 0_o... I remember back then, they didn't have any new housing there, so we used to ride our bikes through the dirt lots and played this fun game with a tennis ball. Fun stuff, man! I spent the night there a lot...

Hung out with Rebecca a lot too. Meh... The three of us had one class together... that US history class where we made projects the whole entire year. We didn't get along very well... ehehehe. It was somewhere around 8th grade where I started to get annoyed with rebecca's "problem" of chronic lying and making up really stupid shit like being involved in a gang fight and whooping guys who were twice as big as her... Her mom took me home a lot... the second half of the year, I rode my bike.

One of my favorite classes was that 6th period science class I had with Mr Blake. I loved him 0___o. He was so experienced and always made things fun. Neil was in that class... but I remember that at the end of the year we worked on this project where we bent glass straws... and I broke mine ^_^*. Neil was my partner. He was also in my algebra class where I remember one time he ditched class to see the Star Wars remake. I remember WEIRD things 0_o.

Kay... in band... I played a mix of parts 0_o. The 7th graders played first clarinet most of the year and I got stuck in the back a lot.. where I met NYAR. I don't even remember how we got started inusing our names backwards, but Nyar just STUCK. And I still use it ... hehe, half the time. Okay, he talke to me... a LOT and ya, was irritating sometimes, but I liked him and most of the time, he was pretty nice to me. When we got to talking about games, one day he was like " I'm bringing Chrono Trigger for you. It's the best game EVER." So he brought it for me one day... and I took it home, and was annoyed. I'd never played an RPG, other than pokemon, and didn't know what the hell a real rpg was about. I was gunna ditch it, but Nyar was pretty adament about it and told me some stuff... and I stuck though, with the help of the VERY long guide he printed from gamefaqs. Yah, that was when I was introduced to gamefaqs too. CTCTCTCTCT... THANK YOU NYAR. I could go on and on about my CT antics... but I'll save that for later ^_-. basically, CT changed my world, becoming my most favorite video game...

OKAY, now for the important part. Fall, 8th grade. I rememebr being on my Sailor Moon thing and hearing about this *new* Japan-born show. I hated the idea. This new, stupid show was gunna replace MY Sailor Moon! I was adament that sailor moon would always be better and I'd never like it... until... everyone in my little group started talking about it. First Rebecca... then Jessie... AND THEN Wei-Chen. We started talking about Pikachu, and we didn't know how to pronounce it and she was all "Pikasoup"? SO that name stuck for a while XD. So I decided to watch an ep... don't remember what it was, remember I didn't like it. I said "this show SUCKS, man." But... somehow my curiosity got the better of me and... I watched the 15th episode. It was the first of the St Anne trilogy, James was getting his new voice and it was the first time(and one of the most memorable) when he cross-dressed. When I heard the "COOOL! ... COOOL!! ... COOOL!" thing for the first time, I was doubled over, laughing XD. I called Wei-Chen, I think even during the commercial 0_o, and we were laughing about it.

THAT started my pokemon obsession... which lasted for years... the first time "The battle aboard the St Anne" was shown. Then I was hooked. I recorded every ep, I made sure to catch pokemon every day after school, not ever missing ONE ep... I was so hooked... got the games, got entranced playing through 4 straight hours of pokemon red. Cheated and cought all the pokemon, and Mew was given to me^_^*. Eventually got into the card thing... but it wasn't until 9th grade when I bought the charizard card off a kid for 10 bucks XD. I rememeber Ben and I did some pokemon stuff... during that time in 8th grade, he was half decent to me. I got the players guide then and had more fun(but I lost that ;__;...).

Did Baby-think-it-over. heheh... twice. Had more fun the first time, in 7th grade. I thought they were pretty cute and I got to play dress-up. Hey, what girl doesn't like to play dress-up?! Of course I didn't like being woken in the middle of the night, but who does? ^_^*

Some how, I neglected to mention Stephen in all of this... Oboe player... made friends with him too in 7th grade. We became pretty close until Rebecca got in the picture and they became a couple... and broke up after like 2 weeks 0_o... then Stephen and I kind of drifted apart. I felt pretty bad, because I let Rebecca influence me too much, when I wish I would have been a better friend to him... I still regret that. Sometimes I wonder how he turned out. How he's changed... I'll never know, though.

Everything plays upon everything else... I met Solomon through Stephen and learned about his Pokemon obsession too. He memorized ALL the pokeraps and typed them up for Rebecca XD. Gawd, that was FUN. We talked pokemon a lot... Hehe...

8th grade eventually ended... along with all the fun. There WAS the Great America trip, Alcatraz, and the 8th grade Windsor Waterworks... hehe... FUN. I was hesitant to leave that Jr High. It was like a prison, I mean detentions for leaving your backpack unattended 0___o, but I generally didn't get in trouble. Yah, I regretted leaving...

There's so much more I can type and type... but mom's waking me up early to go turn in that college form that'd due eh... tomorrow -__-. $*&($##(*&.

Yeah, I liked 8th grade. A lot. I'm rememebring stuff I didn't mention now. Too lazy to go back. Maybe next entry. OOOH... FRESHIE!!