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I haven't updated in ... a while 0_o
Feb. 5th, 2003 09:33 pmMainly because somehow I got myself into manic depression again. I stayed up 'till talking to Titus 'till 8 am... RECORD w00t , but that was 2 weeks ago. told him that I could possibly go into manic depression from it, and I did 0_o. It wasn't his fault though, I just didn't think it could happen and plus it was nice convo. I think I was paranoid about failing english and then I got a "C", I found out. It's kind of bad when you never get a C in your life. That class annoys me. All my classes annoy me right now actually. I don't have any friends in any of them, which never really bothered me, but I want distractions sometimes -__-.
Then I'm really paranoid about this badminton thing. I don't know if I want to do it this year and I have been dreading it. Also, I'm pretty behind in Japanese 'cause I've missed more than one class. And I don't like the German class very much right now 0_o. It's really nice learning about the German culture and what sports they play, and how they like brass instruments, what revolutions they had, but that's all that seems to be sticking right now other than "ich bin blau".
I can't talk very well anymore either -__-. I have much trouble saying things and I'm on an guilt trip for every possible thing imaginable... what's worse is that all I can really think about is doing school work and how I can't do it. It takes 3 times as long as it used to to do it.
I think the main problem is what the $R&()#%#*&% I'm going to do after I graduate. Despite the hell the SATs put me through last year, I want to be a junior again and not graduate. I'm too immature to go off to college and be by myself. I don't want to let go -_-. And it sucks because my family is financially sound enough to out me through uni too. I don't like most of the colleges I applied to now, and I didn't apply out of state when at first, that was all I wanted to apply to. In AP Engrish(hehe...) *ahem* we had to respond to this short article entitled "Endings" about how it is necessary to end things and go on with life so you can achieve what you need to and go on with your life and how it takes courage to do so. I just think that when I go to college, I will end all my friendships both on and offline and be alone for the rest of my life, which in a way is how I want things to be. It's scary being close to somebody, they depend on you to keep happy, you depend on them. I want to... depend on my nintendos, which I have barely played in a while. I think all in college I want to study and... play nintendo. All Ive been doing for the last 2 weeks is try to study and it's annoying because I'm good at it, usually. I studied so hard on my chem test and got an 89 on the final, when most of the class failed it. I know I have what it takes to study and learn... so I want to go to college, but I like sameness, I don't welcome change, it seems. I want to go back and be immature and stupid. It seems I like I have to abruptly END that now though. And I feel guilty for whining . The only reason I put it off was quite truthfully, Adrienne is the only one who reads this thing and this is pretty st00pid.
Also, I miss Wei-Chen ~_~. She told me how we just see less and less of each other every year. But at least she said the wanted to come over . That makes me happy 'cause NO ONE really comes over and she's spent the night like, twice ^_^*. My parents suck. Sometimes, I don't want friends at all. I want my nintendos ~_~... I'm nawt a good friend because I only know how to be funny and when something serious comes up, I am very silent and then get traumatized. I'm not good with dealing with serious things at all. I went over to Alexis's house last weekend and listened to her for hours talk about her mother. I'm STILL scared 0_o. Which is kind of contradictory because I'm pretty good at handling things like that online... maybe.
I want to sleep without waking up in the morning/middle of the night. That'd be good.
I think the best part of all this mayhem was that I got to go with Adrienne to ... eat a sandwich in the intersection today ^_^. I yelled at some guy in a monster truck . I don't think staying up 'till 11 is cutting it anymore either. I'm tired of jazz band... yah, among not thinking well, not speaking well , I can't play my instrument well anymore either.
'Nuff of the whine fest....
Then I'm really paranoid about this badminton thing. I don't know if I want to do it this year and I have been dreading it. Also, I'm pretty behind in Japanese 'cause I've missed more than one class. And I don't like the German class very much right now 0_o. It's really nice learning about the German culture and what sports they play, and how they like brass instruments, what revolutions they had, but that's all that seems to be sticking right now other than "ich bin blau".
I can't talk very well anymore either -__-. I have much trouble saying things and I'm on an guilt trip for every possible thing imaginable... what's worse is that all I can really think about is doing school work and how I can't do it. It takes 3 times as long as it used to to do it.
I think the main problem is what the $R&()#%#*&% I'm going to do after I graduate. Despite the hell the SATs put me through last year, I want to be a junior again and not graduate. I'm too immature to go off to college and be by myself. I don't want to let go -_-. And it sucks because my family is financially sound enough to out me through uni too. I don't like most of the colleges I applied to now, and I didn't apply out of state when at first, that was all I wanted to apply to. In AP Engrish(hehe...) *ahem* we had to respond to this short article entitled "Endings" about how it is necessary to end things and go on with life so you can achieve what you need to and go on with your life and how it takes courage to do so. I just think that when I go to college, I will end all my friendships both on and offline and be alone for the rest of my life, which in a way is how I want things to be. It's scary being close to somebody, they depend on you to keep happy, you depend on them. I want to... depend on my nintendos, which I have barely played in a while. I think all in college I want to study and... play nintendo. All Ive been doing for the last 2 weeks is try to study and it's annoying because I'm good at it, usually. I studied so hard on my chem test and got an 89 on the final, when most of the class failed it. I know I have what it takes to study and learn... so I want to go to college, but I like sameness, I don't welcome change, it seems. I want to go back and be immature and stupid. It seems I like I have to abruptly END that now though. And I feel guilty for whining . The only reason I put it off was quite truthfully, Adrienne is the only one who reads this thing and this is pretty st00pid.
Also, I miss Wei-Chen ~_~. She told me how we just see less and less of each other every year. But at least she said the wanted to come over . That makes me happy 'cause NO ONE really comes over and she's spent the night like, twice ^_^*. My parents suck. Sometimes, I don't want friends at all. I want my nintendos ~_~... I'm nawt a good friend because I only know how to be funny and when something serious comes up, I am very silent and then get traumatized. I'm not good with dealing with serious things at all. I went over to Alexis's house last weekend and listened to her for hours talk about her mother. I'm STILL scared 0_o. Which is kind of contradictory because I'm pretty good at handling things like that online... maybe.
I want to sleep without waking up in the morning/middle of the night. That'd be good.
I think the best part of all this mayhem was that I got to go with Adrienne to ... eat a sandwich in the intersection today ^_^. I yelled at some guy in a monster truck . I don't think staying up 'till 11 is cutting it anymore either. I'm tired of jazz band... yah, among not thinking well, not speaking well , I can't play my instrument well anymore either.
'Nuff of the whine fest....
