(no subject)
Jan. 17th, 2008 06:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zaichikarkyI feel very emo right now. I blame it on Grey’s Anatomy. The show can be VERY emo at times and while I’m not watching the most depressing season(season 3) I am watching the very best season and at times it’s really bordering on the melodramatic.
I find myself to be a very confusing kind of person and I don’t feel that anyone really understands me except my boyfriend. That’s kind of a problem because I can’t be with my boyfriend all the time, and I don’t even know if we’re going to be together forever. I mean, it’s what the both of us hope in the long run, but maybe neither of us really knows how each other feels about that prospect. It’s just been established that we can’t talk about it without drama.
I feel that I’m a really open person, it’s just that no one really bothers to distinguish between what I *want* them to understand about me, and what I’m really like. I mean, I don’t even know what I’m really like. People are really complicated and even though most people hate that proverb “ignorance is bliss”, it has been my favorite proverb ever since I understood what the words “ignorance” and “bliss” meant. I don’t want to know or understand a lot of things because I prefer to be happy by not knowing and thinking about it.
I don’t understand why, but when it comes to being emo, I usually prefer to keep it private. Other than bitching and complaining about mundane aspects of my life, I tend to really hate talking about any problems I have. Sometimes, or maybe usually, I tell my boyfriend because he always asks how my day is and unlike the “how are you”, my reaction is to tell him the truth. I guess I really dislike anyone seeing any weakness in myself. I don’t really care if anyone thinks I’m an idiot, because I really think anyone should feel free to think whatever way they want about me, but I don’t like sharing any emo feelings with anyone other than my boyfriend. Hence why other than him and my mother, no one ever sees me cry. There is a difference though. My mother can make me cry because she can be very cruel and horrible since she has a really nasty temper. No one else in the world has that power over me and I prefer to remain ignorantly, blissfully powerful. My boyfriend is a good boy and I love him.
In any case, I do wish that someone else in this world other than my boyfriend understood me, but that just isn’t the case. The other people in my life I consider friends see certain aspects of my personality and they think those aspects define me, but I of course don’t share what I consider “undesirable” aspects with them. So what would happen if I’d break up with my boyfriend? I think that the worst thing I would lose is the only person in the world who really understands the most about me. I have severe trust issues and until I (hopefully) marry, I would probably never gain that back.
The main reason I feel emo lately is because I’m rather lonely. I have a lot of trouble making friends primarily due to the trust issue, but also because I’m not as forward as I used to be with initiating friendships. I used to be quite good at that during my ADD days in HS. Friendships come and go. Boyfriends come and go, so the only permanent people in my life are my parents and I am not really interested in allow them to get to know me because they’re not really interested in understanding who I am. They are incredibly judgmental and condescending and I really destest that I have taken after them. My dad has always said “friends are overrated” and he doesn’t have any friends at all. He has this one guy from Colorado who he sees once or twice a year and he says he’s a “nice guy he can do things with sometimes, but he’s not his friend”. My mom has no friends at all and she blames it on my dad. When I visited them a couple weeks ago, I told them that I pitied them for not having friends and my mom seemed kind of sad while my dad said the usual “friends are overrated”. I guess that works when they’re each other’s bestest friends. I’m not sure if I will be friends with my girlfriends forever. I can see myself growing apart from everyone except Adrienne and Jennifer. I can’t see myself growing apart from Adrienne only because she’s the only “RL” friend I ever talk to online and being online all the time is literally the only thing(other than maybe reading books) we have in common, and Jennifer because she’s a special case.
I also am sick of making friends with boys. Ever since HS, my new friends have ONLY been boys. And every single one of them has developed a crush on me, making our friendship somehow awkward. Maybe my dad is right. Men and women can’t have a platonic relationship. Well maybe if one of them was gay, it would work out, but as my luck has it, I thought all along my best college friend was gay and he ended up being “bi leaning towards the gay side” or something like that and he wanted more from our relationship >_>. Shige ended up being… oh god I don’t even want to get into that one. I just hope I can see him again after he moves to North Carolina. And Stephan was… a disaster. I don’t want to bitch about him right now though.
What I really want are some girlfriends, but I live in Japan now and that is even MORE difficult for me to find than in America. I don’t think *any* Japanese girl would ever want to be friends with me. And in America, I never succeeded in finding any college girls who wanted to be friends with me. I guess it’s cause I obviously have interest in people who share interests with me… but my interests are very esoteric and rather boyish. When I do find people with my interests, they are nerdy guys and I make friends with them quite easily due to our shared interests, but I have learned that my friendships with guys never last due to that crush issue.
So watching Grey’s really makes me identify with a lot of the loneliness characters experience on that show. But the main reason I’m emo is because of my sleep habits. It’s really hard for me to break my annoying habits and not sleeping regularly makes me really emo. I’m sensitive to a lot of things that have to do with sleeping. Ever since I came to Japan, I can do what I have always dreamed, to sleep for as long as I want… every day except Thursday anyway. So ever since I came, either I sleep 10-12 hrs, or about 3 hrs every night and that’s kind of bad. I really want to put myself on a strict 9 hr regiment (1 am- 10 am) but I can’t bring myself to do it, just like I can’t bring myself to stop chewing on my hair, etc. I’m kind of sick of writing right now so I think I’ll just end it there. I have to now decide whether I can sleep for 2 hrs or just stay up more. The Nyquil failed me tonight. I should have taken a double dose.
Oh, and the main reason I don’t update LJ like I want to is cause I always want to upload photos and share them in every entry, but that takes time and I have a love/hate relationship with procrastinating. But for a while I almost refuse to do an LJ entry without pictures, and I have no idea why. Oh well. I am so mysterious afterall..
So there is a lot of things I want in my life from the shallow(such as losing weight) and not shallow(such as becoming better in Japanese) but I can’t discipline myself to achieve these things.
I find myself to be a very confusing kind of person and I don’t feel that anyone really understands me except my boyfriend. That’s kind of a problem because I can’t be with my boyfriend all the time, and I don’t even know if we’re going to be together forever. I mean, it’s what the both of us hope in the long run, but maybe neither of us really knows how each other feels about that prospect. It’s just been established that we can’t talk about it without drama.
I feel that I’m a really open person, it’s just that no one really bothers to distinguish between what I *want* them to understand about me, and what I’m really like. I mean, I don’t even know what I’m really like. People are really complicated and even though most people hate that proverb “ignorance is bliss”, it has been my favorite proverb ever since I understood what the words “ignorance” and “bliss” meant. I don’t want to know or understand a lot of things because I prefer to be happy by not knowing and thinking about it.
I don’t understand why, but when it comes to being emo, I usually prefer to keep it private. Other than bitching and complaining about mundane aspects of my life, I tend to really hate talking about any problems I have. Sometimes, or maybe usually, I tell my boyfriend because he always asks how my day is and unlike the “how are you”, my reaction is to tell him the truth. I guess I really dislike anyone seeing any weakness in myself. I don’t really care if anyone thinks I’m an idiot, because I really think anyone should feel free to think whatever way they want about me, but I don’t like sharing any emo feelings with anyone other than my boyfriend. Hence why other than him and my mother, no one ever sees me cry. There is a difference though. My mother can make me cry because she can be very cruel and horrible since she has a really nasty temper. No one else in the world has that power over me and I prefer to remain ignorantly, blissfully powerful. My boyfriend is a good boy and I love him.
In any case, I do wish that someone else in this world other than my boyfriend understood me, but that just isn’t the case. The other people in my life I consider friends see certain aspects of my personality and they think those aspects define me, but I of course don’t share what I consider “undesirable” aspects with them. So what would happen if I’d break up with my boyfriend? I think that the worst thing I would lose is the only person in the world who really understands the most about me. I have severe trust issues and until I (hopefully) marry, I would probably never gain that back.
The main reason I feel emo lately is because I’m rather lonely. I have a lot of trouble making friends primarily due to the trust issue, but also because I’m not as forward as I used to be with initiating friendships. I used to be quite good at that during my ADD days in HS. Friendships come and go. Boyfriends come and go, so the only permanent people in my life are my parents and I am not really interested in allow them to get to know me because they’re not really interested in understanding who I am. They are incredibly judgmental and condescending and I really destest that I have taken after them. My dad has always said “friends are overrated” and he doesn’t have any friends at all. He has this one guy from Colorado who he sees once or twice a year and he says he’s a “nice guy he can do things with sometimes, but he’s not his friend”. My mom has no friends at all and she blames it on my dad. When I visited them a couple weeks ago, I told them that I pitied them for not having friends and my mom seemed kind of sad while my dad said the usual “friends are overrated”. I guess that works when they’re each other’s bestest friends. I’m not sure if I will be friends with my girlfriends forever. I can see myself growing apart from everyone except Adrienne and Jennifer. I can’t see myself growing apart from Adrienne only because she’s the only “RL” friend I ever talk to online and being online all the time is literally the only thing(other than maybe reading books) we have in common, and Jennifer because she’s a special case.
I also am sick of making friends with boys. Ever since HS, my new friends have ONLY been boys. And every single one of them has developed a crush on me, making our friendship somehow awkward. Maybe my dad is right. Men and women can’t have a platonic relationship. Well maybe if one of them was gay, it would work out, but as my luck has it, I thought all along my best college friend was gay and he ended up being “bi leaning towards the gay side” or something like that and he wanted more from our relationship >_>. Shige ended up being… oh god I don’t even want to get into that one. I just hope I can see him again after he moves to North Carolina. And Stephan was… a disaster. I don’t want to bitch about him right now though.
What I really want are some girlfriends, but I live in Japan now and that is even MORE difficult for me to find than in America. I don’t think *any* Japanese girl would ever want to be friends with me. And in America, I never succeeded in finding any college girls who wanted to be friends with me. I guess it’s cause I obviously have interest in people who share interests with me… but my interests are very esoteric and rather boyish. When I do find people with my interests, they are nerdy guys and I make friends with them quite easily due to our shared interests, but I have learned that my friendships with guys never last due to that crush issue.
So watching Grey’s really makes me identify with a lot of the loneliness characters experience on that show. But the main reason I’m emo is because of my sleep habits. It’s really hard for me to break my annoying habits and not sleeping regularly makes me really emo. I’m sensitive to a lot of things that have to do with sleeping. Ever since I came to Japan, I can do what I have always dreamed, to sleep for as long as I want… every day except Thursday anyway. So ever since I came, either I sleep 10-12 hrs, or about 3 hrs every night and that’s kind of bad. I really want to put myself on a strict 9 hr regiment (1 am- 10 am) but I can’t bring myself to do it, just like I can’t bring myself to stop chewing on my hair, etc. I’m kind of sick of writing right now so I think I’ll just end it there. I have to now decide whether I can sleep for 2 hrs or just stay up more. The Nyquil failed me tonight. I should have taken a double dose.
Oh, and the main reason I don’t update LJ like I want to is cause I always want to upload photos and share them in every entry, but that takes time and I have a love/hate relationship with procrastinating. But for a while I almost refuse to do an LJ entry without pictures, and I have no idea why. Oh well. I am so mysterious afterall..
So there is a lot of things I want in my life from the shallow(such as losing weight) and not shallow(such as becoming better in Japanese) but I can’t discipline myself to achieve these things.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-01-16 10:29 pm (UTC)A constant sleeping schedule is a good thing... pick a time when you can go to sleep at the same time every day and stick to it. Just make it early enough that you can get at least six hours of sleep every day. It'll probably help even out your mood a bit, too.
Sleeping with drugs is usually not as effective as sleeping without.
I don't really have many friends either, but I try not to let it bother me, since I have plenty of things I enjoy by myself. I was pretty much prepared to not have many friends when I came here, since I knew the odds of me finding people my own age were pretty slim... and I had (and have) absolutely no intention of hanging out with foreigners all the time.
Discipline is something you'll have to do slowly, if it's something like losing weight or learning Japanese. Cut back on food slightly every week... nothing drastic, just a little bit every week. Learn a few new words every week, and increase the number you learn... then start learning some grammar as well. Then kanji.
It's really a little-by-little thing, rather than a switch you can flip.
But yeah, it's hard to find friends here. Some of that might be that people don't really want to try hard to make friends with someone that's from a different culture and language background when they're going to be leaving in less than a year.
I don't really have any advice in that regard since it's not something I've been terribly successful in either.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-16 11:17 pm (UTC)Oh yeah I totally get that, the problem is that it's so hard for me to do. The discipline issue. Ideally, I would be going to bed at 1 am and waking up at 9 am every single day of the week, but I can quite seem to go there : (. I think I'll try to do that more, it's just that since now I have no reason to really wake up at a decent time, I won't. In uni, I had sleep problems, but due to class, I always had to be up by a certain time, which made my sleeping regular most of the time. Now, since I can sleep for half the day, I do. It's also almost unfathomable for me to go to bed early. You going to bed every night at 10 was kind of a shocker to me ^_^*.
But yeah, it's hard to find friends here. Some of that might be that people don't really want to try hard to make friends with someone that's from a different culture and language background when they're going to be leaving in less than a year.
Well I think a lot of Japanese people are really interested in getting to know gaijin, it's just that they don't actively engage in finding them or initiating contact... Kind of a Japanese thing which I'm sure you get. Which means that gaijin would have to, and after HS, I can't seem to do that so easily anymore.
I'm also not so interested in hanging out with gaijin, but sometimes I'm interested in hanging out with someone rather than spending a whole weekend reading books, playing games and watching American tv shows XD.
I have to beg you to come to Tokyo with me again when I have some cash to spare! It was really fun!
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 12:03 am (UTC)I understand how you feel sort of, not completely..but in reverse. If I was there I'd be emo with you and you wouldn't have to worry cuz I'm totally gay. hehe.
for what it's worth, i've always admired your quite open and honest, no holds barred, personality and think society would benefit from people being more like that. I always thought you were very fun and competitive which I love in people. I think maybe some people are just shy to befriend confidant types maybe.
I think there must be girlfriends out there who will click with you and be great friends, maybe you're just not around any at the moment. Don't worry too much about it.
and trust me, if you're ever wondering "is it me? is there something weird about me, or is it the world..?"
It's the world. It's always the world. hehe. just be you. you'll find the people who appreciate you eventually. =)
PS: lately i've been getting through my emo-tional slump by watching my bday gift: the My So-Called Life complete series DVD. i highly reccomend it. hehe.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 12:45 am (UTC)<3. Yeah, I have yet to find anyone out there I like who is completely gay other than you. I only find bis and I remember a conversation we had online a while ago about how you feel about bis, and I basically feel the same way ^_^*. I have changed my mind a little bit because I really don't like being so condescending, but I still kind of don't approve of the whole bi/polyamoric/skank thing.
for what it's worth, i've always admired your quite open and honest, no holds barred, personality and think society would benefit from people being more like that. I always thought you were very fun and competitive which I love in people. I think maybe some people are just shy to befriend confidant types maybe.
That's the only quality I like about myself... that I'm honest and brash. I never think that's a negative quality to have, no matter how many internet people react negatively to it. I wish that society would allow everyone to be as direct as they wanted to, within reason but unfortunately it doesn't, and I chose one of the most indirect nations in the world to live in. Go figure! I've already gotten in trouble for being too direct >_>.
I honestly don't know or understand what people think about me. I would be sad if they got the wrong impression of me, but I really don't know and unless it is a supervisor(cause I hate getting fired) I really don't care if people think bad of me because that means they misunderstood me and don't want to get to know me so... their loss :3 . I am surprised when people think I have a lot of confidence cause I guess I act like I do, but when it comes to major things, I really don't : (.
Hehe I'll look into that show . Never heard of it!
no subject
Date: 2008-01-19 11:20 am (UTC)one question: how many US stamps do i need to send a reply letter to japan? lol. ^_^;
no subject
Date: 2008-01-19 12:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 12:49 am (UTC)I <3 u too even though I don't really understand what connection we have, I'm sure there is some connection that makes me want to spend time with you above all my other friends : ).
I think you are indirectly pushing your meditation clinic :3.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-18 02:34 pm (UTC)you know, I'm supposed to be a jew, and also couches don't exist in japan! just like beds don't. *nodnod*. Everything is done on the futon. You should *trust* me since i'm the authority on japanese living conditions : ).
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 09:55 pm (UTC)There are times in which I feel we don't understand each other, but the more we communicate, the closer we get to an understanding. So I think it's okay to let yourself go and be vulnerable for a little while. Hell, I know that I make myself vulnerable every time I write about my devastating situation at home. But in writing about it, it also makes me stronger. I think it can work that way for you too because writing is therapeutic.
If it helps, you can vent to me (via email or LJ-messaging, or even chat though I don't tend to go on AIM or MSN very often). I will listen (or read), and I may not agree with you all the time, but I have a reputation of being very non-judgmental. ^_- And though I consider myself queer, I am more queer in the sense that I don't really feel attraction towards people in general and I only experience attraction about once in a blue moon, so you don't have to worry about any potential sexual or romantic attractions. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-01-18 02:39 pm (UTC)