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LJ Idol Topic 3
Oct. 8th, 2008 12:17 amI used to suffer from depression when I was in High School. The first time, in 10th grade it must have been less than a month or two. The second time, in 11th grade, it was for most of spring. The third time was the worst. It lasted from around January to the end of the school year in June. If I could point a reason as to why I was depressed, I would first tell you it was my teenage brain. I read this article in 12th grade, written in some kind of news magazine, that teenagers are more likely to have depression because there is this big change in brain chemistry during that time period. It was something about old matter being replaced with new matter. I don't know the technicalities, but after 12th grade, I learned how to better control my depression and nothing to that extent ever happened again.
The other reason why I was depressed probably had to do with the fact that school stressed me out. My parents stressed me out about school, and that was a factor, but it was mainly that I wanted to do really well, and while I was, I guess I felt like I wasn't? For example, I had a really hard time with the SATs. My school was by no means a college prep school. In terms of educational standards, it was the second worst school in the district. My parents, especially my mom, forbade me from doing what I wanted, which was to enter into the Junior College. So I had to take the SATs. I had to endure an SAT prep class, which stressed me out a lot, only to get a score that was only 1000. I retook them again and got 1150, which was somewhat acceptable, and I refused to go through that ordeal again. For some reason, just about everything about academics stressed me out, even though most of my classes were very easy.
When I was depressed, the main problem was that I was unable to sleep. This still remains a problem today when I get stressed out( like now). This was before I discovered nyquil and not sleeping at all some nights, and barely sleeping others took a big toll on me. I had a lot of anxiety and the minor things stressed me out. I felt quite miserable and I could turn to no one. My parents yelled at me if I told them how depressed I felt, and I didn't want my friends to deal with it. So I just was kind of quiet and I think that most people didn't really even notice a difference.
I can't really think of so many instances where I was happy during that time period right now, unless I search through my LJ, but I can only recall one from memory.
I had a band friend during that time. The year before, my best band friend graduated after we were in band together for 3 years. It made me really sad at the beginning of the school year because I think that we were really close. She and I had made friends with a freshman trumpet player, but she was closer to him. One day, when I must have looked sad during this time, he asked what was wrong, and I said that I really missed my friend. He said he missed her too. I guess that's when I wanted to be friends with him more. Later on, I "adopted" another freshman sax player, who I became closer too, but the trumpet player was still my friend.
During my depression later on in the school year, there was a period where we walked home after school together. Sometimes, at the beginning, it was just him and me. While walking home, we would pass the neighborhood park, where we would part ways. We often played in the sand pit there. It was a time when a whole lot of children weren't at the park, so we weren't bothered(USUALLY). I don't remember what we talked about and I still don't really understand why it was so meaningful to me, but for some reason, when it was just the two of us, digging around in the sandpit, I was really happy. It wasn't because I was romantically interested in him. He was at least 2 years younger than me, and at that time, I wouldn't even consider liking someone with OMG THAT big of an age difference, but I still liked being there with him.
I guess for that short amount of time, I forgot about school, and whatever the hell else in my life was stressful, I just liked digging in the sand pit and talking about whatever. It made me look forward to that part of the day every day.
At some point, a friend, or maybe 2, joined us. They were really clingy girls and I didn't want them there most of the time. I'm sure they didn't know, and I wouldn't ever tell them anyway. So I was sad that my moment of bliss had to end. But a moment of bliss is just that... a moment. Or in my case, they were moments, in the sand box. They ended at some point. Probably when the girls showed up o. It wasn't the same after that, but I accepted that easily. The depression stopped not so long after that because I graduated High School. So even though my moment of bliss ended, my depression ending was far more significant to me.
The other reason why I was depressed probably had to do with the fact that school stressed me out. My parents stressed me out about school, and that was a factor, but it was mainly that I wanted to do really well, and while I was, I guess I felt like I wasn't? For example, I had a really hard time with the SATs. My school was by no means a college prep school. In terms of educational standards, it was the second worst school in the district. My parents, especially my mom, forbade me from doing what I wanted, which was to enter into the Junior College. So I had to take the SATs. I had to endure an SAT prep class, which stressed me out a lot, only to get a score that was only 1000. I retook them again and got 1150, which was somewhat acceptable, and I refused to go through that ordeal again. For some reason, just about everything about academics stressed me out, even though most of my classes were very easy.
When I was depressed, the main problem was that I was unable to sleep. This still remains a problem today when I get stressed out( like now). This was before I discovered nyquil and not sleeping at all some nights, and barely sleeping others took a big toll on me. I had a lot of anxiety and the minor things stressed me out. I felt quite miserable and I could turn to no one. My parents yelled at me if I told them how depressed I felt, and I didn't want my friends to deal with it. So I just was kind of quiet and I think that most people didn't really even notice a difference.
I can't really think of so many instances where I was happy during that time period right now, unless I search through my LJ, but I can only recall one from memory.
I had a band friend during that time. The year before, my best band friend graduated after we were in band together for 3 years. It made me really sad at the beginning of the school year because I think that we were really close. She and I had made friends with a freshman trumpet player, but she was closer to him. One day, when I must have looked sad during this time, he asked what was wrong, and I said that I really missed my friend. He said he missed her too. I guess that's when I wanted to be friends with him more. Later on, I "adopted" another freshman sax player, who I became closer too, but the trumpet player was still my friend.
During my depression later on in the school year, there was a period where we walked home after school together. Sometimes, at the beginning, it was just him and me. While walking home, we would pass the neighborhood park, where we would part ways. We often played in the sand pit there. It was a time when a whole lot of children weren't at the park, so we weren't bothered(USUALLY). I don't remember what we talked about and I still don't really understand why it was so meaningful to me, but for some reason, when it was just the two of us, digging around in the sandpit, I was really happy. It wasn't because I was romantically interested in him. He was at least 2 years younger than me, and at that time, I wouldn't even consider liking someone with OMG THAT big of an age difference, but I still liked being there with him.
I guess for that short amount of time, I forgot about school, and whatever the hell else in my life was stressful, I just liked digging in the sand pit and talking about whatever. It made me look forward to that part of the day every day.
At some point, a friend, or maybe 2, joined us. They were really clingy girls and I didn't want them there most of the time. I'm sure they didn't know, and I wouldn't ever tell them anyway. So I was sad that my moment of bliss had to end. But a moment of bliss is just that... a moment. Or in my case, they were moments, in the sand box. They ended at some point. Probably when the girls showed up o. It wasn't the same after that, but I accepted that easily. The depression stopped not so long after that because I graduated High School. So even though my moment of bliss ended, my depression ending was far more significant to me.
