zaichikarky (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zaichikarky) wrote2015-11-29 05:10 pm
zaichikarky) wrote2015-11-29 05:10 pm
Lj Idol Week .5: The Giving of Thanks
It's kind of fucked up, but I'll always admit it. I always use the misfortune of others in order to be grateful for my own life.
Sometime in the summer of 2008 in Japan, I had been roped into helping this new coworker get their visa documents in order, which meant taking a trip to a (somewhat) nearby city. I didn't sleep the night before and unfortunately I forgot some kind of document (which ended up not being needed). I was screamed at and berated by this coworker, which ended up with me running away and leaving him there in the immigration office to deal with it. I cried most of the way home, which was embarrassing, but on the last train back to my town, I saw a family having a difficult time with dealing with a mentally handicapped person who was having a ball of a time on the train. That scene snapped me back into reality and made me at least put aside my stupid drama and put life into perspective. This family had to deal with their very mentally handicapped son for the rest of his life. They must have had a lot of misfortunes and difficulties ever since he was born (he must have been at least in his 20s). I was crying because some douchebag yelled at me.
Recently, I got rejected from my dream job after getting far into the interview process. This is actually the biggest disappointment of my life. I've done a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself because come April (when my current project finishes), I will be stuck unemployed again and it's very difficult to find entry-level jobs in my field. I'll be in limbo yet again and my biggest fears are getting stuck in another job that I could have easily done straight out of high school.
I have a multitude of things to be grateful about, but with the way my selfish (and likely asshole ableist) mind works is that I'm most grateful for not having to suffer through problems that others have. The number one thing I am most grateful for is that I don't have a chronic pain condition. I've had friends suffer through those, and I can't imagine doing so myself. I'm grateful that my mental conditions lead me to live a (mostly) normal life. And I'm grateful that I have never had to resort to taking medication to help my symptoms.
I think that privately, everyone must do it sometimes. Sometimes we see homeless people and think "I'm glad that's not me, I'm lucky I have a roof over my head" until many peoples' next thought will be "I wonder how they did that to themselves?" Maybe the only difference is that I'm stupid enough to actually write an entry about it and post it to a writing competition?
Sometime in the summer of 2008 in Japan, I had been roped into helping this new coworker get their visa documents in order, which meant taking a trip to a (somewhat) nearby city. I didn't sleep the night before and unfortunately I forgot some kind of document (which ended up not being needed). I was screamed at and berated by this coworker, which ended up with me running away and leaving him there in the immigration office to deal with it. I cried most of the way home, which was embarrassing, but on the last train back to my town, I saw a family having a difficult time with dealing with a mentally handicapped person who was having a ball of a time on the train. That scene snapped me back into reality and made me at least put aside my stupid drama and put life into perspective. This family had to deal with their very mentally handicapped son for the rest of his life. They must have had a lot of misfortunes and difficulties ever since he was born (he must have been at least in his 20s). I was crying because some douchebag yelled at me.
Recently, I got rejected from my dream job after getting far into the interview process. This is actually the biggest disappointment of my life. I've done a lot of crying and feeling sorry for myself because come April (when my current project finishes), I will be stuck unemployed again and it's very difficult to find entry-level jobs in my field. I'll be in limbo yet again and my biggest fears are getting stuck in another job that I could have easily done straight out of high school.
I have a multitude of things to be grateful about, but with the way my selfish (and likely asshole ableist) mind works is that I'm most grateful for not having to suffer through problems that others have. The number one thing I am most grateful for is that I don't have a chronic pain condition. I've had friends suffer through those, and I can't imagine doing so myself. I'm grateful that my mental conditions lead me to live a (mostly) normal life. And I'm grateful that I have never had to resort to taking medication to help my symptoms.
I think that privately, everyone must do it sometimes. Sometimes we see homeless people and think "I'm glad that's not me, I'm lucky I have a roof over my head" until many peoples' next thought will be "I wonder how they did that to themselves?" Maybe the only difference is that I'm stupid enough to actually write an entry about it and post it to a writing competition?
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AW
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A nice reflection on the things that inspire gratitude in us.
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/hugs
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That can keep us going forward, that inspiration we get from others.
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Admitting that your subconscious can benefit from observing other people's hardships is pretty strong too. Well put.
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That doesn't mean, however, that I don't have the occasional pity party!
**We'll keep up positive thinking that another dream job will turn up by April! Huggs
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to give an idea of what I found in my experiences in the system.
1) security becomes more valuable than love- love usually comes later as we are too wary to let walls down.
2) we form very few attachments to things - if we do it is highly emotional and almost obsessive.
3) many of us who survive and don't end up in jail have PTSD, anxiety disorders, and other mental health problems.
4) on the other hand we are also adaptable, independent, resourceful and creative peoples! :)
The homes I was shunted back and forth in were mostly abusive except for four blessed years with an older Italian family. My own father suffered PTSD and was an alcoholic until the last two years of his life. You never trusted you'd be in the same place for two weeks. You only unpacked what you needed. Hid the things you cared for so no one else would take it, but also learned to share and help protect one another from abusive caretakers.
Mostly you hunkered down, hid yur real thoughts and dreams, and waited until you were old enough to get out and hopefully take care of yourself. I was one of the lucky ones.
:)
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So im kinda confused. By St. Helens you mean an orphanage right? I didnt think orphanages existed in the US, just the foster care system. I know orphanages here existed a while ago so were you thinking of a particular time period?
Hearing that its rampant with abuse makes me sad and kind of indignant. Why would people want to foster kids if they are mean and want to hurt them? Maybe its naivity, but i would think foster parents are the sorts to really love kids and want to help them...
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The entry is due on Mon, and I gotta get it done sometime before I get to bed tonight because I will have very little time on Monday to work on it.
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She carry's a bookbag(Courage the cowardly dog cartoon on front) which holds her prized journals, a picture of her when she was little with her father. A stuffed mouse named Ears, $21.59 she has from doing chores and bus schedules... just in case.
Can you run with that?
Sorry if you were held up!
Peace and joy, ~~~Desi
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That will help a lot though, thanks!