zaichikarky (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
zaichikarky) wrote2003-09-25 10:58 am
zaichikarky) wrote2003-09-25 10:58 am
Entry tags:
mini rambling.
Confidence? What inspires it? Forever, I must gloat that I have been a very confident person. The only exceptions are in my manic depression times. Basically that was all of last school year's semester, a few months 11th grade, and a few months 10th grade. One of the most AWFUL things depression does to me is just shatter my confidence. Suddenly I turn into one of those feeble-minded girls who wants nothing to do but curl up in the corner and do absolutely nothing. Perhaps cry, but you know.... people like me just don't know how to cry, maybe it's from years of training... of desensitizing our very nature, but it's no longer natural for me, it's not something I *do* for real. The very last time I believe it really happened was when my mother and I had a massive fight around 2 years ago and she was shipping me off to SAT prep class. Then I broke down in front of the two guys, my classmates, and the teacher. Obviously they wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me. After then, I made a silent oath to myself- never to cry, or at least to die trying before ANYONE would ever see me cry again. Then comes along TG and kind of wrecks those plans. He didn't mean it, and he meant the very best.... but I feel a little cheated in a way, still no one has ever seen me in tears, yet both him and Titus incited silent tears a few times down the road. Still I think what TG unintentionally did was better for me in the long run, I care about him deeply, even though quite a bit I don't feel he returns my feelings....
I kinda got off track... anyway, not crying gives me confidence.... so what else does? Ever since I was in elementary school, I was not a happy child. No one wanted to be my friend because I was different than the other kids- I did stuff on my own, I didn't want to listen to anyone. Hence why throughout those years I was punished for misbehaving FREQUENTLY. But from an early age I learned how to stick up for myself and not to let anyone tell me what to do... well, unless they were an adult. But I had few friends... they changed yearly until really I moved to california and became friends with Kaffi. This was the foundation for my confidence... even though I didn't know it at the time, it only grew as I became older.
Ksenia comes to me because she wants to learn why I act the way I do. She asks me questions all the time.. "Why are you so confident? Can you teach me? How can I be like you? My mother is so confident too, and she is well-liked, I want to be well liked too. Why don't you hang out with people you don't like when you said you judge no one? Do you ever feel lonely?" Is some of the stuff I get daily from her. Her roomate is really... shallow. She already went to spend the night with some guys in Cal Poly 0_o. And really other than me and her, Ksenia doesn't have anyone to talk to. She feels lonely, which I tell her is natural, we all feel a little lonely, but she thinks I'm fine just because I do things on my own just about all the time, unless I can find Alex to come with me XD. She is one of those girls who wants to do more and not be dependant on other people, but needs to work on it.
Sorry, rambling's over. Time to go to my onsite orientation. The hours are LONG today - 12-10 ... Hm, I hope I will like it and things will go well *stretchie* Later, folks.
I kinda got off track... anyway, not crying gives me confidence.... so what else does? Ever since I was in elementary school, I was not a happy child. No one wanted to be my friend because I was different than the other kids- I did stuff on my own, I didn't want to listen to anyone. Hence why throughout those years I was punished for misbehaving FREQUENTLY. But from an early age I learned how to stick up for myself and not to let anyone tell me what to do... well, unless they were an adult. But I had few friends... they changed yearly until really I moved to california and became friends with Kaffi. This was the foundation for my confidence... even though I didn't know it at the time, it only grew as I became older.
Ksenia comes to me because she wants to learn why I act the way I do. She asks me questions all the time.. "Why are you so confident? Can you teach me? How can I be like you? My mother is so confident too, and she is well-liked, I want to be well liked too. Why don't you hang out with people you don't like when you said you judge no one? Do you ever feel lonely?" Is some of the stuff I get daily from her. Her roomate is really... shallow. She already went to spend the night with some guys in Cal Poly 0_o. And really other than me and her, Ksenia doesn't have anyone to talk to. She feels lonely, which I tell her is natural, we all feel a little lonely, but she thinks I'm fine just because I do things on my own just about all the time, unless I can find Alex to come with me XD. She is one of those girls who wants to do more and not be dependant on other people, but needs to work on it.
Sorry, rambling's over. Time to go to my onsite orientation. The hours are LONG today - 12-10 ... Hm, I hope I will like it and things will go well *stretchie* Later, folks.