Oh Damn.

[zaichikarky]

I

HATE

MY

LIFE

I've debated doing this for a long time. Chances are that if I leave this unprivate someone will mention it and I'll just private it after everyone inclusing the few stalkers have seen this.

This is the 2 week anniversary of the 2003 depression spectaculaire. The first session lasted for all of February and ended as I got sick and thought nothing about school. Session number 2 started two TUESDAYS ago when my horomones were on and I listened to someone talk about something or other morbid/depressing. I only fall into this when that happens. Someone is sad/depressed while I am and I get to hear about it. I've always thought of myself as a strong person, but I guess my psyche can't withstand this. It's worse than ever this time. I hate it.

I hate the way that my brain cannot function at all. I've turned completely stupid. It takes me 3 times as long to do anything and everything I used to know, I've forgotton. That's what I hate most of all, how stupid I am. Right now I'm even thinking of something to write. This shouldn't be so hard, I hate about 380964235097 different things about my life, I just can't arrange any of this in a comprehensible order. I know that I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I know I'm pretty quick and smart, normally. Now, it seems as though this is my normal state and I have to get used to it.Maybe I've never been smart in the first place, and I only realize that now. Everyone in that damned AP Engrish class is myuch smarter than me. I hate that class. I hate how everything I do for it, all the impossible homework I stress over becomes meaningless as I findout that it doesn't matter or the teacher doesn't collect it. What I *don't* do counts, which is why I'm paranoid I'm failing that class.

For all of this spring semester, my life has involved me stressing over homework. That's it. That's all I've been doing for the past 2 weeks. It's gotten bad. Because I can barely get anything done. I don't do anything I want, nothing I care about. I can't concentrate enough to read, I don't play videogames, I don't chat on IM often at all, I don't write because I've lost the ability again, I don't watch any TV/movies. All it's been is homework. I think it comes from the past. When my parents throw fits if I ever got a grade of a C. It happened the first time in that AP engrish class. Maybe because of that I'm like this. The same thing happened during my lovely SAT sessions last year. My parents paid big fucking bling bling for me to take the damn SAT prep class which just fucked me up. I could blame them. It's more me though. And my problem with worrying. I worry about everything there is to worry about.

I'm so tired. I've been going to bed at 11 but still am so tired. It's not 11 now, it's 11:30. And I have homework to do that is not even important and that could probably be done tomorrow in band if my band director bothers to show up. I'm tired. Very tired. More tired than usual. Before this year, I'd never even think of going on the internet this late. I don't really do anything on the internet except talk to 3 internet friends and a few RL friends. I can't keep friends for very long. I always let them drift away from me somehow. I feel closer to these internet friends, but in the end, most likely in less than a year, they will all drift apart from me as well. And when I go off to college, my links to my RL friends will be too. I guess then I'll lose the RL friends first because I can have internet in college.

Oh, this is actually starting to come together really well. I don't want to go to college. I want to hang around home and the JC for a few years and find out what I want to do, slowly working my way to independence. However, my mom basically yelled/lectured at me that she'd have to get her arms cut off before I would go to the JC. Instead I'll be sprung into an unfamiliar situation, not wanting to leave the comforts of my house and being WAY , WAY too immature to function on my own. I've never worked and don't even have a license.

I don't know how to deal with stress at all, it seems. Having the minutest stress sends me spirling into this.

I'm getting too fucking tired and now don't remember what I have to say anymore. This will never end. Every little bad thing that happens to me seems like it's the end of the world. I think I must have gone underneath too many ladders because I have the worst luck. I lose everything. All I'll be thinking about is the homework that I haven't done and I'll just feel worse. The homework I haven't done and the badminton practice I haven't attended in like 3 weeks because of it and the Japanese class I'm the stupidest pupil in. I think that I don't bother to try in a class when I don't feel smart enough.

I feel guilty over everything. Everyone I've bashed before. Everything I remember that people probably forgot by now, I feel guilty over. From Intarnet friends, to stupid people I've bashed, to anyone I've bashed.

Damn tomorrow morning I'll feel like I could break down again. But I won't because it never comes out completely. It's always "almost crying" never *full* tears.

There is no reason for me to feel this bad. None at all. My parents are fucking rich and could buy me anything I want and send me to college without me having to work for it. It's so easy to putmyself in this hole. Hard as hell to get out.

It'd be nice to die now. Not that I'm yet suicidal, but I want to die by some freak accident.

I wish I wasn't so obsessed over Intarnet people. I think I'm going to misspell internet forever now.


This is becoming pointless. I feel worse, not better from this. I think that the soonest it will go away is spring break. Somewhere around the 20th of April. It's only the first. I have a long way.


I don't know what's good for myself. Nothing I do helps this, only makes it worse.

I can't talk very well at all. I don't know how to describe how I contribute to conversations anymore because it takes too much effort.

Fuck I'm about to have a fit over how I'll feel in the morning. I'm getting so sick of that feeling. Only during the one week depression break did I not feel like that. I have to go to school and feel worse and worse as the day goes on but no one knows .

My parents wouldn't even know until it got this bad again. My father doesn't even want to deal with it anymore and told me I was driving him mad and to stop it.Now I barely talk to my mother. These times are the only times I actually want affection. Great NOW I'm almost ready to have the bult up tears fall. When I want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay and they love me. I think that truly only internet people would want to do that for me right now. For a while, I sought affection from my parents, I've stopped now.

I thought this would end through PMS. But another Tuesday came. I hate Tuesdays.

I realized this stopped being coherent a long time ago.

There is no reason for me to feel like this, none at all. I wish I knew where the hell Shivs has been for the past... long time and I wish TG was on now. I will dread tomorrow morning.

I think this should end by spring break. that's about 20 days. Then I get to see how long I can go undepressed for.

It gets worse every year. Starting from 10th grade. Worse and worse. Damn.

I should have gone to bed hours ago. I don't know what's good for me. I'm repeating myself. It's time to slep for about 4 hours and... yeah. And all you stalkers, @*(@^@)(+&$#(&%$&$#). And I mean that in the most respectable way of course.

Comments

[a-fish-bucket.livejournal.com]

Ad mortem amicus. ^_^