And so the insomnic's ramblings go on....

Sometimes I get into this mode where I can't sleep because too many "important" thoughts are racing through my head, and they won't stop running. But now... about half an hour ago, they seem to have ceased a bit. I didn't expect anyone to be on AIM other than Jeferry, and well, I got stuck in conversation. I haven't talked to Slaggie in a while, and I very rarely talk to this other guy...Anyway, I was thinking about rambling about some things...

Some things have been mentioned in conversation lately... I guess rambling number 1 will have to be one of those "pet peeve"-like posts.

I might have rambled about this before in the past... I don't know, I don't remember. But it has to do with "explaining" things to me. There are a few instances where my massive ego becomes apparent to me... one of those times is when I'm competing against a rival who is my level(usually gaming, but I've seen it happen in badminton before as well), that's a whole different story though. Another time is when someone tries to explain something to me. In general, I don't like it when something is explained to me. Generally one of the worst ways to insult me is for someone to explain something to me that they think I don't know. It could be as simple as explaining how combos work in Money Puzzle Exchanger, or Japanese culture. See, in those occasions, I just get very ANGRY, showing it or not. Then it could be something like explaining how a program works when it *seems* like I'm interested with learning about it.

Some things, I just like to learn by myself, though. Things I care about. If I really want explainations from someone, I will swallow my pride and ask. It's why I just asked Slaggie what a "prude" was. Sometimes, I don't even do that. It depends who it is. About 80 percent of the time when someone uses a word that i don't know, I'll spend time looking it up on dictionary.com . Even when on the phone. "yeah so what the hell does 'humility' mean, hell, I'm not asking you!" For that will just make me look stupid, since 'humility' sounds like a very simple word that EVERYONE should know, and I don't like looking stupid. because people generally do not think I am stupid. Unless they are named Leonid Shvarzberg, but that is a different story too, hehe. This image of stupidity with myself is something that I struggle with. Most of the time I either feel too smart, or too stupid. Depends on my mood/the situation. If I'm depressed, I feel EVERYONE is smarter than me, and I really do get more stupid when I am depressed... being in that mindset just makes me ugh... so much slower at things... But sometimes it feels like I am so much smarter than everyone around me... that feeling was more prodominent in High School... minus the AP English class... heh. But really, that's not the issue. The problem is making me feel more stupid about things than I already am. I don't like the fact that I have next to no idea how to use bittorrent. I don't like it when Titus and TG ramble on about its special features to me when I, a. don't care to learn about it. and b. feel stupid about not knowing a thing about it. If i really wanted to learn about it, which I do not, I would. This kind of situation comes up a lot in my life, it seems. Someone is rambling(which by the way is probably one of my biggest pet peeves) about something that I know next to nothing about. What happens there is that I either get bored, or I think I *should* know something about what they are rambling about. And then I get angry. Because it makes me feel stupid. I think this has to do with me dealing with such "computer oriented geeks". Both TG and Titus are computer nerdy... like VERY computer nerdy. I don't even know who's worse anymore. Hehe, before, I used to actually think it was TG slightly because OMG he takes very speshul computar classes that I didn't even understand the titles to. "A+, what the hell is that, a grade that everyone gets for the class? 0_o" That and I think I heard him talk more about nerdy computer stuff that I didn't care about. But then suddenly Titus got this job that requires him to fix computer problems for very stupid people who fuck them up. No now they are... equated in their nerdiness in my eyes. So yeah, I don't think I can even DREAM of being that computer nerdy, nor do I want to be. Because computers really don't excite me that much.... I mean, I use it... to store stuff and to play games, I have many uses for it. But I don't care about how it works, or how to make it work most efficiently, or to do nothing but run Linux on it all day for no apparent reason(:p), or how to use it for *real* work, like an engineer... All I care about is to use it for *my* indended purpose for it: to entertain me. Because really, I like to be entertained.

I owe all of my computer "knowledge" from about 4 sources. My father- the all time champion Senior Computer Hardware engineer with *2* masters degrees( something that has been frequently mentioned to me, mind you -_-*) Titus- big computar nerd uno. And TG- big computar nerd dos. Jeferry contributed too, I think, but unlike TG and Titus, he'd rather ramble about stuff like Communism with me instead : ).Then we have whatever I happen to pull up from the rest of the internet. Stuff like HTML... which I actually took a class for because *voila* something actually interested me about the computer!! Needless to say, after I took that class 5 years ago, I was no longer interested in HTML too much ^_^**, and then other random stuff... I'm not sure if learning to type fast counts.

Blarg. I keep going back and forth between this LJ entry and other things... like searching for work in Santa Cruz 0_o. This post kinda sounds mean-spirited >_<. I feel a bit bad about that, but I'm not going to be like someone I know and rewrite it about 5 times while spending hours on it >_<. I could never understand something like that. The rant turned from " I hate it when people explain things to me because I feel stupid" to some weird computer-related thing... It was interesting how one time Koji pointed out that my rants are stream of conscience style... I guess they are because this is how most peoples rants would look like if they are lazy like me and don't have the mental ardor to keep their thoughts laid out in a tidy matter on the screen. I get side-tracked so often while doing these kinds of things, it's a real short coming, at times... And right now I'm trying to figure out if I have anything else pertinent to say... a part of me really wanted to write a big rant about what I think about depression and taking drugs as a way of handling depression, but I think it can be saved for another time. Because that will probably offend people more than this post :p, and I really don't want to deal with taht quite yet...

I think what I was trying to do here is try to explain why I get angry if things are explained to me . All in all, it's because I have too big of an ego to deal with this. I think that things would be a lot easier for me is if people just assume that I know *everything*. That I am so smart and don't need any explainations, hah(that is so farfetched that even I couldn't imagine it XD) If I care to learn about something, I will ask, and I do, but only if I care. If I don't, I'll either get bored or angry listening to you explain it to me. And how will you know that I care? It's pretty easy, because if I care about something, I usually *do* act interested...

Now it's 9 am . The record for which I voluntarily stayed up for was somewhere around 8 am... that was sometime January 2003, I think. And right after that instance I was depressed for 4 or months. Heh, the worst 4 or 5 months of my life XD. I doubt it will happen now, because well, I don't want to think about it, but that's why I don't like to stay up like this. So now I think I'm going to call the school and find out why I can't register for certain classes, and then try to sleeeeep. Good morning ! I appreciate it for whoever took the venture in reading this incoherent mess XD.